Still Learning How the Atonement Blesses Me

Almost four years ago, someone I love, without malice aforethought, introduced me to pain as I'd never known it. I'd relied on the atonement of Jesus Christ many times before to cleanse and heal me from sins I'd repented of, but, this time, no matter what I tried or who I asked, I couldn't figure out how to access His atonement to gain relief from the crushing pain. I prayed. I went to the scriptures. I talked with friends. I even asked about it in the gospel doctrine class. Nothing. My knowledge of the atonement had grown enough that I knew that it covered not only sins and transgressions, but all our afflictions, infirmities, embarrassments, disappointments, heartaches, fears, worries, everything! So why was its peace and comfort eluding me when I was pleading for it?

Eventually, I moved on. I came to the conclusion that there was nothing I could do to change the situation, that the Savior loved this person as much or even more than I did, and that I had to leave it in His hands. But still, I carried the memory of what I perceived as my unmet need in the back of my mind until this very day. Today, I learned that I was the one who was blocking the atonement's power to heal my shattered heart. I did right in letting go of my heavy burden, and turning it over to God, but I believe I'd done it unwittingly, not fully realizing what I was doing. I just hadn't been strong enough to handle it anymore. So I had been compelled to let go, without actually choosing to do it. I mistakenly expected the Lord to come and take the weight of pain from me. But I believe He was waiting for me to be the one to hand it to Him. Wow, there are none so blind as those who will not see! But I see more clearly now. Even though I've continued to hand my burdens to Him, I have a keener view of why, and how, and when, to do it, due in part to this morning's scripture study of Matthew 25-26, assisted by one of my favorite sites, http://www.gospeldoctrine.com/
Neal A. Maxwell
"Such love of the Lord requires that we become trustingly patient as experiences come to us that God deems for our good. We must, on this side of the veil, wait out the inexplicable things, maintaining serenity as the storms beat upon us and as the winds of derision howl. We must be willing to submit ourselves "to all things that the Lord seeth fit to inflict" upon us. (Mosiah 3:19) This is the unconditional submittal of the soul that lies at the very center of the first great commandment; there can be no holding back. Only as we thus come close to the living Lord can we honestly say, in the midst of the fiery trials of life, "Not as I will, but as thou wilt." (Matt. 26:39) (Notwithstanding My Weakness, 39)