Looking Both Ways, Then UP

So the new year is already a week old, and I'm still looking back, getting an idea of where I've been, so that I can look ahead and decide the best route to take to get to where I want to go. It's a lot of work! Enjoyable work, but demanding work, too. Here's what I've figured out thusfar.

The year 2006 was a tough one for me. The CLL diagnosis came in March. My sweet Jordan broke my heart in July (temporarily) when he left for China without confiding in us beforehand. He later told me he regretted doing it that way. (I told you he was sweet.) The emotional pain was horrible for me back then though, something I hope other parents are spared. Sometimes, ignorance (of pain, for instance) truly is bliss! Of course other things happened that year, both good and bad, but that was the one big defining event of the year for me. .

In 2007, I fearfully started chemotherapy treatments, but was relieved that it wasn't as hard as I'd thought it'd be. Yay, score 1 for 2007! The whole year was going along well, until that night, the night of Dec. 2nd. The world changed that night, and will never, ever be the same. It was Jordan again. This time he was calling from China, with alarmming news. I don't talk a lot about it, and post about it even less, but all that happened after that phone call is still very much with me. Surely, the scalding tears must have left a visible path, which they often retrace. Things intensified a thousandfold in 2008. Jordan was ill. Certain family members rallied in his support, others defected. One even went so far as to say that she didn't care if he lived or died. He died.

Relationships became more meaningful, stronger. Others fell apart. When I began to long for death too, I knew I had to get myself some help. I did. I made it through 2008 alive, and that was saying something! A new calling as a Primary teacher was extended to me in 2009. It helped me find focus and purpose. Thank you, Bishop. I love the children. I love teaching them. I love the gospel, and I care about whether they know and love it or not, too. While some family members have made it clear that my presence and influence are not wwelcome in their sphere, my heart sings with joy that in this small place, once a weekk, I am still wanted and needed. I'm grateful to be needed here at home, too, but I have to have something in addition to that for a sense of personal fulfillment. So, where to go from here, in 2010.

I want to grow stronger, physically and spiritually, this year. There's a lot of room for improvement in both areas, believe me! More exercise, better nutrition, recording spiritual insights and promptings, more focused prayer, truly treasuring the scriptures, developing more charity, and becoming a little more like the Savior, these are the goals I am working on. Lofty, lovely goals that I am ever so eager to tackle, but only as I look up, up to the One who can help me achieve them.